Obsession

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it is a disease,a fascination,an absurdity,a fate!!
obsession is all of them and none of them..
A coercion,a fixation,an ide'e fixe..
yes it is an affliction ,like neurosis.A compulsive preoccupation with something or someone.An
irresistible impulse;which cannot be subdued.
The magnitude keeps getting bigger.Retrospecting on the earliest one ....
I donot know whether there is a better batsman than SachinTendulkar,nor do i wish to know.
I have followed him for the past ten years now...Whatever he does defines cricket for me and
'Nothing Else Matters'. Like fighting with the best of friends for him..like watching his shots
over and over again..like being glued to the tv a day before exams..like getting up at 2:30am
, when i was ten,after having dreamt him and trying to emulate him.That though was earliest
of the list.And then there is this latest obsession of mine.A disease too,a coercion that pulls me.
And each time things keep getting more intense.
The cure for an obsession,is to get another one.
At twelve i got another one called Hrithik .I watched all of his movies,time and again,not
only when the whole world was going gaga over each of his performances but also when he
was completely written off.I took a two year long break from movies when he did between 2004 and 2006.Be it any performance at any event,any function or any news;i have collected them
as one collects books. And that sirs is not a hobby.For those who do it, must do it.
those who do not ,think of it as a cousin of stamp collection,a sister of the trophy cabinet,a
bastard of a sound bank account and a weak mind.
But this latest one is as absurd as it gets.Is it a person?a he or a she? an object,a thing
that i want to posess??Or a desire unfullfilled !!It is difficult to describe because it is too lucid
and to intricate.
I keep thinking about it all the time .And when i am not thinking about it,all i think is
"how to not think about it".
But you can move on with them.They say that obsession is a young man's game ;then my
only excuse is i never grow old.
When i was in class 9, my mom castigated me for being lackadaisical with my academics.
I sat down the same night with my books and when i got up after 13 hours(now you dont study
for that long in class 9,do you?) i was almost sure what i was going to be in the future.I had
caught another one.I had got lost in maths and physics and chemistry;in those formulae, in
those equations.And no doubt that here i am ,five years from then ,doing my engineering.
"Your ability to use the principle of autosuggestion will depend,very largely,on your capacity
to concentarte on a given desire until that desire becomes a burning obsession." says Napolean
Hill.There have been times that i have given more hours than that...but i no longer do it very often.But whenever i do it,it still feels like it is the maiden innings.
Its something similar to the obsession of women with shoes.
And there have been others,Small term ones ,like Scarlett Johansson,like Andre Agassi,like Dan Brown novels ,like Enigma and like LOTR...
and you just move from this one to that.
But the current one fascinates me.The mere mention of it brings smile to my face and hope in
my heart.To be an obsessional means to find oneself caught in a mechanism ,in a trap
increasingly demanding and endless.
When it comes to describing this one...Its like the heart pumping blood as fast as it can and
the same blood wanting to ooze out of the body.
its like the brain trying to contemplate on an idea and its like not knowing what that idea is !!
It's like every part of me wanting to posess this,but i donot know how?
Is it a feeling?..then sure is difficult to express...
A craze? or a delusion ???
On occassions i do tend to get fidgety,fretful ...feeling sort of nomadic,like someone who hasnt
deciphered a hidden code.
I can see it, with my eyes closed but not when open...
I can hear it in my favourite music..
I can feel it all the time....
And its like knowing what you don't know and not knowing what you know !!!!!!!!